Looks Are Deceiving

Contributed by Janet Bexley

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

Nuptual Trouble

Contributed by Perry Woods

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Breaking News

Contributed by Ed Abbot

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

Efficiency Expert

Contributed by Jack Mason

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

Contributed by The Florida Dude

What do you do when the bartender advises you to have a margarita?

Take it with a grain of salt.

Holy Water

Contributed by Cecilia Johnson

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Little Johnny and his baby Democrat Kittens

Contributed by Betty Blackburn

Little Johnny had a box of very small kittens that he was trying to give away, so he had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

'Hi, little boy, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Johnny says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' says Little Johnny.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little boy and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Johnny is standing out on the corner with his box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Johnny.

'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Johnny said, 'The are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Johnny says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'

Rookie's First Assignment

Contributed by Homer Peterson

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the verteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

Wish Granted

Contributed by Marvin Justice

A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

Dalmatian's Duties

Contributed by Sally Bryan

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

Bus Load of Politicians

Contributed by Perry Woods

A bus load of politicians was driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer 'Were they all dead?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them SOB's lie.'

The Black Eye

Contributed by Janice Murphy

Mr. Bailey saw his son's shiner and demanded, "Scott, who gave you that black eye?"

"No one gave it to me dad," replied the spunky lad. "I had to fight for it."

DUH Factor

Contributed by Pamela Underwood

An irate customer named Peggy, called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. 'I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too.'

Fishing on the Ark

Contributed by Homer Eagleton

A Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he with just two worms?"

Relatives

Contributed by Jim Clark

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Please Back Up

Contributed by Harvey Martin

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker--

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee please back up to the Men's Tee!"

Mike, still deep in his routine, seemed impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--

"Would the man on the Ladies Tee kindly back up to the Men's tee, PLEASE!"

Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

A Boy And His Frog

Contributed by Betty Blackburn

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the street, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came to a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she's very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the SOB that ran over my frog!

The Little Man

Contributed by Malinda Snyder

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

Replacement Mexicans

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

A Category #5 hurricane hits MEXICO. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

CANADA is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

SAUDI ARABIA is sending oil.

Other LATIN AMERICAN countries are sending supplies.

The EUROPEAN community (except FRANCE ) is sending food and money.

The UNITED STATES, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the ones which were lost in the storm.

GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!

Vanity Insanity

Contributed by Clarence Weeks

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Two Tennessee Football Jocks Taking An Exam

Contributed by Roy Bauch

Two University of Tennessee football players named Bubba and Jed were taking an exam in English Literature. They must pass this exam in order to fulfill the academic requirement. If they fail, they would be dropped from the college varsity team for the whole season.

The exam was relatively easy as it consisted mainly of fill-in-the-blank type of answers. However, Bubba was stumped by one particular item.

The statement read "Complete the nursery phrase ... Ol' MacDonald had a ______."

Trying as hard as he could, Bubba could not think of the answer. Seeing the professor was busy reading a book, Bubba took this opportunity to ask his teammate Jed.

"Pssst, Jed," whispered Bubba. "What did Ol' MacDonald have?"

"Gosh, Bubba, that's easy!" said Jed. Looking to make sure the professor wasn't looking, Jed said, "A farm! Bubba! That's what Ol' MacDonald had. Even babies know that!"

"Oh! Right!" nodded Bubba as though it was at the tip of his tongue. But as he proceeded to write down the answer, Bubba stopped to ask Jed again in a low voice.

"Hey, Jed! How do you spell farm?"

"Jeez, you're so dumb, Bubba!" admonished Jed. "Every one knows farm is spelled 'e-i-e-i-o'."

Women Are Better Estate Planners Than Men

Contributed by James Robertson

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  After he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 25 MILLION dollars.'

Impressed, the woman took his business card, and three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

A Woman's Prerogative

Contributed by Becky Habersham

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother replied, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."

Attitude

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!  Now let's try it again!"  Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Pennsylvania Avenue

Contributed by Tom Cronk

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow, sir'.

Airplane Conversation

Contributed by Joel Eull

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first; A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?

Contributed by Carl Andrews

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Phone Service

Contributed by Bonnie Broderick

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Verizon.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."