Pee In The Pool

Contributed by Marty Stewart

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.

"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Blonde Riding Shotgun

Contributed by Joanna Wadsworth

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

“Hey,” asked the brunette at the wheel, ” do ya see any cops following us?”

The blonde turned around for a long look. “As a matter of fact, I do.”

“Damn!” cursed the brunette. “Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. “Yup… nope… yup… nope… yup….”

Jewish and Chinese Beginnings

Contributed by Harvey Nichols

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

Nude Tiptoer

Contributed by Brad Barkley

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

Another Room

Contributed by Bunny Barnett

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Jury Duty

Contributed by JoAnn Margoles

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

A Bit Apprehensive

Contributed by Robbie Anderson

As a Sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad and looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a College education.

Car Pooling

Contributed by Marianne Stephens

Three guys from Jersey drove into the same Manhattan office each day via the Lincoln Tunnel. With gas prices rising, they decided to commute together, each one taking a turn driving in.

One of them had to drop out though, because his eyes were bothering him.

The optometrist told him he had developed carpool tunnel vision.

American Medical Association Notice

Contributed by Rodger Smith

American Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Do You?

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

Two gold fish are in a tank one says to the other...

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

A Few Smiles

Contributed by Bryan Mahan - a Marine Veteran

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in hell."

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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

Good News...Bad News

Contributed by Cathy McMaster

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

Staring

Contributed by Tom Barker

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate. 

After a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for?

He replied, “The expiration date.”

A Couple Of Puns

Contributed by Joan Ferguson

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Old Men Think Fast

Contributed by Rodger Smith

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Half Baked

Contributed by Juan Chanchez

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

Before

Contributed by Harold Hensley

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Barack, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Barack stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Barack, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Barack says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

Doctor, Doctor

Contributed by Jack Jackson

After the speech in Berlin , Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to give up his hopes to be president, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all.

Obama drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullshit!'

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low'.

Location...Location...Location

Contributed by John McDermet

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."

Cats On A Fence

Contributed by  Roberta Butler

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?".

Artist Gets Noticed

Contributed by Jason McNally

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor...."