Contributed by Buck Mahan

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that crap, after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

History Repeats Itself

Contributed by Perry Woods

A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter.

"Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum ?"

"I'm very sorry, sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "But I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

New Education Testimonial

Contributed by Jack Jackson

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather
were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you frickin' idiot.'

Pet Names

Contributed by Johnny Duvall

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

Panic At The Hotel

Contributed by Steve O'Brian

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

What day is it?

Contributed by Wendi Porterfield

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Three Wishes

Contributed by Colin Diamond Daniel

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland.

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes".

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.......

Cowboy's Canine

Contributed by Jim Clark

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."

What To Get The Wife With Everything

Contributed by Bernard Fuller

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

What Are You, Deaf?

Contributed by Ed Abbot

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front of the altar.

Leroy gets in line and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

"Leroy says, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday."

Don't Pee In The Flower Beds

Contributed by Perry Woods

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.  There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...'

'Darn!' says the little old lady.....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'  So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!' '

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.

Superior Culture

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's Cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. 
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced Mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

An so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex.'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

Muslim Mothers

Contributed by Ed Abbot

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.  The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flippingthrough photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

The End Is Near

Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, each pounding a sign into the ground that read: "Da End is Near! Turn Yo'self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a huge splash....

Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and yells across the road, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say 'Bridge Out'?

Wedding Dress Solution

Contributed by Bobby Pritchard

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

Talking Clock

Contributed by Jack Jackson

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

Blessed Event

Contributed by John Maples

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.  The woman perks up and says, 'How about that?  I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence' says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating ?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man ... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence !'

The Bunny And The Snake

Contributed by Jack Shuler

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.

The Confession

Contributed by Gerry Jones

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you find you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, so very much Father. This is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question if I may.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

What's My Name?

Contributed by Donald Osborne

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Three Men on a Hike

Contributed by Ellen Buter

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man Prayed:  'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me Strength and the tools to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:  'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Human Resources Complaint

Contributed by Buck Mahan

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:

'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'Its John. The midget.

Senior Moment

Contributed by Ed Abbot

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He became impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'To tell you the truth,' he said, 'her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

Which Broker

Contributed by The Florida Dude

After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"

The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, Sir, stock or pawn?"

Pearly Gates

Contributed by Bob Dinkins

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.  St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again.

'They've gone,' he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'

Please Stand Up

Contributed by Rachel Lane

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Ten Minute Rule

Contributed by Tom Cronk

Bill retired in his early 50s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, ten, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Bill, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic; you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers."

Bill replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."

"That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?"

"Yes, I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud of it!" said Bill.

"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

The Secret Of My Success

Contributed by Bernie Johansen

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

A Pain In The Leg

Contributed by Sammy Martin

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

High Octane Drinks

Contributed by Gerry Jones

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas TX.  One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with absolutely nothing to do.

Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something here to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Hey, I've heard you can drink jet fuel booster and get a buzz. You care to give it a try?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got totally smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is amazed at how good he really feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover!  NO bad side effects......... Nothing!

Just then the phone rings - it's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bud says, 'I feel great.

Jim: 'Overall, I feel great, too.

Bud says, 'Man, is that jet fuel booster is great stuff --- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

Jim: 'Yeah, well I've discovered one big problem with that stuff.'

Bud: 'What's that?'

Jim: "Have you farted yet?'

Bud: 'Nope '

Jim: 'Well, I'm warning you.... DON'T! I've just touched down somewhere in the vicinity of Albuquerque!'

High Octane Drinks

Contributed by Gerry Jones

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas TX.  One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with absolutely nothing to do.

Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something here to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Hey, I've heard you can drink jet fuel booster and get a buzz. You care to give it a try?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got totally smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is amazed at how good he really feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover!  NO bad side effects......... Nothing!

Just then the phone rings - it's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bud says, 'I feel great.

Jim: 'Overall, I feel great, too.

Bud says, 'Man, is that jet fuel booster is great stuff --- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

Jim: 'Yeah, well I've discovered one big problem with that stuff.'

Bud: 'What's that?'

Jim: "Have you farted yet?'

Bud: 'Nope '

Jim: 'Well, I'm warning you.... DON'T! I've just touched down somewhere in the vicinity of Albuquerque!'

Annual Physical

Contributed by Shirley Blackly

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."